Wizard Lice
by EtoilesNoires
Summary: In which James gives Sirius a disease. Marauder sixth-year.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hello! I don't own any characters or settings (all belong to J.K. Rowling). Well, I created a character for the purpose of the exposition** _ **.**_ **The idea for this story was borrowed after re-watching** _ **Potter Puppet Pals: Ron's Disease**_ **and reading some facts from behind the Potter movie sets. Cover by Viria.**

In the stuffiness of winter, head lice breaks out among the second years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Madam Pomfrey could have stopped this earlier, but due to the multiple layers of clothing and the heavy use of blankets, the lice spreads quicker than she expects, not to mention that many second-years feel shame as they go to the Hospital Wing and ask for the soap that rids the vermin. Therefore, they give it to each other, and for two months the second-years itch and scratch their heads, blaming one another for their irritation.

With spring arriving and Quidditch picking back up, Arwen Paese, a second-year and first-time Beater on Gryffindor's Quidditch team brings out her goggles in order to see during the drizzling British evenings. Tripping on a loose shoelace, she sets them down, ties her shoe, then picks them back up and places them on her head. She grabs her racing broom and runs to the Quidditch field, where the captain, a sixth-year named James Potter, gives instructions. The goggles flop around Arwen's face, so she takes them off to adjust the strap. Then, she notices that these are not her goggles, staring at the smudged name inscribed inside: Potter. Arwen instantly drops them and runs away, looking for her own.

Two days later, Professor Sprout finds a louse crawling across Arwen's scalp and sends her to Madam Pomfrey for what the second-years call "the Soap of Shame."


	2. Chapter 2

**Me again! Just a note: since these guys went to school in the 1970's, I'm sure there were a few trends that would've been followed, long hair for boys definitely being one of them.**

A few days pass, a stressful week evolving into a quiet, settle weekend before a new week begins. The sixth-years hurry into Professor McGonagall's NEWT Transfiguration course, a class not for the anxious and unfocused.

"James, how do I spell my first name?" Sirius yawns and asks tiredly, staring at his blank piece of parchment before Transfiguration. He grins up at Professor McGonagall, who decides to turn away before she indulges any more of their immature behaviour.

"You alright?" Sirius asks James. He places his weight on his elbow, his fingers raking his course, untamable, jet-black hair. He prides himself in having naturally wind-swept hair despite always trying to make it look windswept on still days, but he looks as if he wants to tear it all out.

"Yeah," James lies. "Just an itch. Go back to your work."

"I'm waiting for inspiration," he said with a hint of sarcasm that only his best friend can detect. He shakes his head and scrawls out a hopefully acceptable response to the question posted on the board. James has not even started as Sirius sees a faint insect crawling out from behind his ear.

* * *

"OK?" Peter asks at lunch. Sirius rubs the side of his head, wincing. Remus, reading a heavy hardback book _,_ rolls his eyes.

"I think," he says. Truthfully, the itching never stops.

James sits down next to him, his hair a frizzy, tangled mess. "You too?" he asks. Sirius nods.

"D'you think-" Peter's voice drops. "D'you think you have _lice?"_

"DISGUSTING!" James bellows, taken aback. "There is no way I could have caught something that nasty and... _CHILDLIKE!"_ He stands up and points to Sirius. "How could you give me _lice,_ Padfoot?"

"ME? Why would _I_ give _you_ lice?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you-"

"Doesn't Gryffindor have a new Beater?" Sirius inquires.

James pauses. "Oh, yeah, Arwen…" Then it hits him.

"Exactly."

"OK… now what do we do?" he whispers, sitting back down.

"I'd go to Madam Pomfrey first, then clean your side of the dormitory not only because it's a mess but you share everything, which might not always be the best idea," Remus states. He looks up at Sirius, whose elegant dark tresses rest slightly below his collarbone and James, whose hair seems to reach his shoulders, but there is no way of telling because it typically grows in every direction but down. "I would also seriously consider getting a haircut," he adds softly.

James looks thoughtful. "Hmm, I'll think of something," he wonders aloud, itching his head. Then, he widens his eyes and waves his arms. "GOT IT! Using deductive reasoning… lice are bugs, right? And most bugs are pesky, right? So they need to be, for lack of a better term, ah, _killed._ "

"Your point?" Sirius asks.

"IDIOT, WE CAN CRUSH THE LICE!"

"Doesn't that seem a bit violent and irrational?"

"Since when are you not up for the violent and irrational? MOONY-I think Padfoot is losing his edge!"

"ALRIGHT!" Sirius exclaims. Most comments don't bother him, but he refuses to ever be considered cowardly or mundane. He reaches across Gryffindor table and snatches Remus's book.

"I was reading that!" he mutters as his friend shuts the covers without Remus marking his page.

"Would this work?" Sirius asks, holding the book up to James. He nods.

"I'll go first. I have a high pain tolerance." He takes off his glasses and gently sets them down on the table.

Sirius sighs, raises the book, and hits James square in the side of the head with a dull thud.

"MERLIN'S PANTS!" James yells, cowering in pain, the side of his face a red-violet mosaic.

"Are you OK, Prongs?" demands Peter.

"I thought you said you have a high pain tolerance!" laughs Sirius.

"You didn't have to hit me _that_ hard!" James protests.

Remus buries his face in his shaking head. "And what have you two accomplished?" he asks sarcastically.

"Nothing?" Peter inquires, looking to Remus for assurance that his response is correct.

 **Like?**


	3. Chapter 3

After school, Sirius goes straight to his dormitory, only not by choice. Initially, he goes to the library, but someone lets it slip that he and James are "contaminated, or something" and are shunned by their classmates. James, optimistic as always, wants to take this as an opportunity to give the lice to Snivellus. Peter warns him that there might even be worse things lingering in Snape's head so it would be best to leave him alone, unless James wanted to be "contaminated, or something" even more.

Anyway, Sirius sits on his four-poster bed, curtains drawn, doodling expressively on a crumpled sheet of James's discarded love letters to Evans. He softly listens to a finely-tuned Muggle radio resting by his tapping bare feet.

Just then, the door swings open. "What could you possibly want _now?"_ he sighs, turning off his Muggle radio, shoving his doodles under his bed.

James breaks through the curtains, pulling on Sirius's sleeve. "C'mon, Padfoot, it's time for a haircut!"

"Why me?" He always hates getting a haircut.

"Because you hit me with that heavy book!" Looking up, he sees that James's face is tattooed in brown and yellow bruises near his left eye.

"You don't know the spells, though…" In all honesty, Sirius considers giving in and going to Madam Pomfrey. James, admirably, is too persistent and prideful.

"I know, and I know that experimenting with a few might not be the best idea… because I found some handy-dandy tools in the Muggle Studies classroom!"

Sirius lowers his gaze to James's hands, in which he holds a strange contraption that looks like two knives attached by a handle. "You didn't, er, nick that, did you?"

"Never mind." James admires the contraption. "They're called skiz-zores, and Muggles use them to cut things: bushes, poultry, paper, hair…!"

Sirius is still unsure. "I think Moony meant getting a haircut after we get rid of the lice, not-"

But James pulls him down and sits him in the middle of the dormitory, losing his will. "Sit straight!" he commands, yanking on a lock of Sirius's hair. Then, clamping the skiz-zores on it, he severs the lock. Sirius gapes as it falls limply on his shoulder then holds it delicately in his hands.

"Wow, it looks like the lice are mating on your head!" James says, severing another lock.

"If I end up looking like you, I'm going to be furious," Sirius tells him, throwing the lock aside, but he ignores his comment.

"This is so fun! Wait until I tell Evans!"

"You're not telling Evans anything yet," he grumbles. "You're still disgusting."

"True. That's why I'm testing all this Muggle stuff on _you,_ because it works out, it will definitely work on _me."_

* * *

"And DONE!" James exclaims, dropping the skiz-zores and walks around Sirius. "Er—"

"Can you hand me the mirror?" Sirius asks, looking up at James.

"Well, I, um-" James begins, clearly hiding something. He starts picking up the mess of hair on the floor. "Wow, your dead follicles are really soft!"

"Prongs," Sirius groans, standing up, running a head over his head. "Oh Merlin-YOU STOP PLAYING WITH MY DEAD FOLLICLES RIGHT NOW, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?"

Now, without context, that particular statement makes very little sense. Poor Lily Evans, a fellow sixth-year as well as Gryffindor Prefect, happens to walk into Gryffindor Tower and faintly hears that bizarre statement. She immediately runs out and to the library, where Remus Lupin, another Gryffindor Prefect sits, helping Peter Pettigrew with History of Magic homework.

"Hullo, Remus…" Lily greets, catching his attention. "I heard something quite alarming up in Gryffindor tower and I think it came from the boys' dormitories, if you don't mind-?"

"Of course not, Lily!" Remus responds, telling Peter he will be right back.

The two of them hurry back to Gryffindor Tower, where Lily stays in the Common Room and Remus goes up to the boys' dormitories. There seems to be no one up there yet, except Remus heard a noise, oh yes, a noise of tossed furniture and yelling…

"Why is it always _this_ room?" Remus wonders aloud, heaving a sigh. He opens the door…

He stops dead in his tracks. "WOAH, JAMES, WHAT DID YOU DO TO SIRIUS?"

"How bad is it? He's been blocking me from the bathroom and the shattered the hand mirror that I think Evans left in the Common Room second year but Prongs took it anyway-"

"HEY! And least it's even!" James protests.

"I think that's the only thing 'it' has going," Remus says, staring at the mess of dead follicles on the floor with pieces stuck on the furniture. "That's it! Now you've contaminated the entire dormitory!" He shudders when thinking about what else James can do with the scissors.

"We can still clean this up," Sirius says, looking around. Remus crosses his arms.

"No. You said that months ago, and nothing has changed. Just look at this!"

"Do you need me to intervene, Remus?" Lily asks, peeking inside to a beaten James and whatever just happened to Sirius, remembering the time she let Petunia cut off her braids yet they unexplainably grew back the next day (can that happen to other witches and wizards?). She then immediately turns away, pitying the house-elf that has to clean up that... _mess?_ No, that is beyond the title of a mess.

"Evans! Hey, it's Evans!" James exclaims, pushing Sirius down and shoulders Remus out of his way. "Evans!"

"No, you're staying right here!" Remus commands. "One victim of your carelessness is enough. Lily, will you go down to Madam Pomfrey, please? Ask for the Soap of Shame." As Lily's footsteps fade, he grimaces as he crosses from the Remus-Peter side to the James-Sirius side. He mutters a spell to repair the mirror and gives it to Sirius, feeling his hair.

"Are you going to tell us what we learned this time?" James dreads.

"Yes. NOTHING." Remus quickly leaves the dormitory, navigating his way to Professor McGonagall's office.

"Guess we should start cleaning, then!" James announces to a glaring Sirius. "What? C'mon, it could be worse! You just look a bit punky now!"


	4. Chapter 4

Happily ever after, James and Sirius wash the lice out with the Soap of Shame, and within days, they are no longer "contaminated." To James's dismay, all the girls at Hogwarts think Sirius's new haircut is so daring and edgy, yet James receives no credit for it. To Remus's dismay, the James-Sirius side of the dormitory is still a mess.

Thankfully, Professor McGonagall answered Remus's plea (she is the only one who James and Sirius obey and besides, Remus is certain that Sirius once had a crush on her) decides to come up to Gryffindor Tower. Professor McGonagall walks up to the dormitory and knocks on the door, not waiting for a reply before opening it and entering the room.

"What disaster led you two to completely trash a perfectly good dormitory? These are a privilege, you know! I could very much have you sleep elsewhere!" she scolds.

"Sure," James says, sitting on his bed, not looking up from his Quidditch strategies. He frowns, crumbled up his piece of parchment, and threw it across the room at Sirius, who stares off into space. "I mean, the house-elves clean it frequently, right?"

"HOUSE-ELVES ARE NOT REQUIRED TO DIFFERENTIATE YOUR POSSESSIONS FROM BLACK'S!" Professor McGonagall states.

"Oh." With a sudden understanding, he shouts over to Sirius, "I think these are your trousers, mate." Sirius acknowledges his best friend, barking with laughter, because he now knows why James started to look ridiculous recently.

"This is what I'm talking about, and this ends NOW." Professor McGonagall reaches down towards the floor and picks up a pair of pants. "To who do these belong?"

Sirius laughs yet again as James blushes. "Professor, isn't that getting a little personal?"

"Not as personal as you trying to fit into my trousers," Sirius spits. "Those belong to James, Professor."

She tosses the filthy pair of pants to James then made a face. "Why would anyone own this?" she asks, lifting up a leather jacket.

"MINE!" Sirius exclaims, taking it from her. "I thought James took this too!"

Professor McGonagall is tempted to ask why James insisted on fitting into Sirius's clothing, but decides now is not the time.

"Alright, moving on!" she says. Little by little, she and they sort out the mess, straightening out the James-Sirius side of the dormitory.

Sadly, the new organization system only lasts three days, but the Hogwarts staff notice that those two boys begin to look cleaner and begin wearing clothes that actually fit.

 **Thanks to all of those who read!**


End file.
